Being "Too much"

Here is a personal-diary type of blog post about the theme of my life lately. And mostly in the last few years of me living here in the US.

I'm tired of being "too much". Rather than having my honesty appreciated as a refreshing change, people here rather see it as me being "too much".

I think they're much happier with the bunch of normal folk who play by the rules, never try to bring deep issues to the surface or discuss anything in a genuine way. People who play a social game of going behind their backs, of hinting their criticism rather than ever stating it.

I've had close friends like that before. The relationships seems close, and fulfilling, except for small little things that are not quite right. Like maybe they don't like how much attention you're getting from guys, so here and there they tell insulting jokes at your expense. If you bring it up it becomes about you: "Why do you have to make a big deal about small things like that?"

Try to discuss what's really bothering them, it is an impossible task. People would rather marginalize you as crazy than face the reality of their insecurities.

Are those relationships really that good? I've had close friends over the years. Eventually, when I couldn't solve these little "currents of malice" the friendship fell apart.

Some people can live with these friendships and be happy; apparently I can't.

And quite frankly, I think I'm fed up with being "too much". Why do I ever give that sort of judgment my sanction?

I think I rather just stay alone than try to be "normal" if that's what it comes down to. There's plenty of "normal" around; I don't find it particularly inspiring.

And who knows, maybe eventually I'll find people who want to be close to me who don't try to escape "too much honesty" "too much complexity" - but that have the inner desire to face something and understand it if there's truth to it, because being true is more important than being "normal".

I only ask myself, in a world where this approach is so unwelcome, can I really tolerate staying alone? Shouldn't I try to have those in-between friendships where a lot is really great except for small things here and there, which you're supposed to never bring up or acknowledge?

I feel like a misfit. Not just here in the US but possibly in the world in general. I see a lot, I understand a lot, and the feedback I get for that is "You are weird. You are not normal". You damn right I'm not normal. The only thing that seems to change lately is me questioning if I should aspire to be more like you and less like me.